Thursday, March 10, 2005
Valley to Mountain Top
3-9-05
These last few days have been emotionally horrible. I have felt numb, depressed and sleepy in new ways. Hours have just slid away. I have experienced heaviness in the middle of my chest like never before. I do not believe it is health related.
I told one of the board of directors that I am close to burn out. I need to tread lightly and carefully toward wise goals.
I had planned to get the brand new newsletter in the mail by now but that has not happened. I have gathered into a bag the various lists of addresses and business cards. I did not get out the Saturday summary or Tuesday Briefing. I have not been doing the online Bible study regularly. My prayers have been few, weak and far between.
During the clearest moments I recognize how important it is that this newsletter gets out and I move forward to the face to face meetings. In a big way this is the critical step of coming from behind the curtain into the spotlight. Most of my life and ministry from 1977 has been in relative obscurity. That has been okay with me. But in order to complete the vision God has put on my heart I must speak in from of groups and otherwise become a more public figure. That brings a fear of the unknown. I heard a radio preacher give a good message about how most of our fears are gross visualizations that never happen. God used that good word to decrease my fears.
This is the week during the year when missionaries come to the seminary campus. There is more activity in the spiritual realm than usual. I met with a few missionaries briefly today. It always encourages my heart to hear what it is like on the front lines. I have an appointment to pray for an expended time on Thursday with a missionary friend.
A woman spoke in chapel today. What she said and how she said it touched me heart deeply. Many years ago she and her husband went to Indonesia. She cried out to God asking how to reach the Muslims. God put on her heart one word LOVE. As she said that it went right through my heart. As her story continued she told how God led her to teach the people how to make quits out of scraps. This gave them a skill and income that led to hope. There were Christians and Muslims working side by side and the gospel was shared in a nonthreatening setting. Many were saved. Here is the web site about that work http://www.expat.or.id/givingback/agapequilts.html
Meanwhile as she spoke God opened my heart in amazing ways. As I sat near the back I FELT in a very strong, deep and real COMPASSION for seminarians. I had felt this a few times before but it was never as intense.
I realized that back in 1979 I set out on a quest to find the will of God for my life. I had surrendered to the call to missions many times before. All the missionaries in the charismatic church I was attending had a mountain top experience when they felt the call to a particular mission field. That is what I was having here.
I recall how the jeweler uses black felt to display a diamond. It is the contrast that causes it to shine even more.
Later that day I went back through the additional valley times. There was dullness, deadness and numbness. But as I recalled that mountain top experience then His love in my was rekindled. I saw the faces of those I have know and helped. My hope was restarted.
During the next day or two I will send you a short list of tiny steps that I am committed to do soon. These will get me unstuck. Expect that. And ask God to refresh me by the Holy Spirit and in His precious Word.
John 12:47 AM
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